Why do I paint?
OPAL CACTUS, 10x20” ACRYLIC ON CANVAS, 2020
Painting (and making all sorts of things, but mostly painting) brings me an incredible amount of joy. My art will never be perfect, and I don't want it to be. I make things because it makes me happy. Also the imperfect bits of life are often the best.
Here's the thing though ~ sometimes art ends up looking cutesy and I struggle with that. The cute things don’t keep my family safe or healthy. (Same reason I rarely wear makeup, but thats a completely different story for another post). This cutesy idea was a huge worry of mine when my son arrived. He was born a few weeks early, and also quickly! I'll spare you the details, but our birth story was stressful to say the least. There were a few times my husband thought he might lose one or both of us, and the experience left us all extremely aware of how precious our little family is. The moment Little Guy was born, everything changed. He was the most important person in the whole world. All our stuff could literally catch on fire and it wouldn't matter one bit as long as we‘re all okay. I still feel that way actually...
I was anxious, stressed, sleep-deprived, all that fun crap a person gets to go through as a brand new mom. There was not a single part of me that wanted to even think about painting. I didn't want to make a damn thing. I was just trying to survive, and then was diagnosed with postpartum depression. That's the hardest thing I think I've ever been through. I met with my doctor and she immediately prescribed meds and referred me to a psychologist she trusted. I met with the psychologist the following week, and she encouraged insisted I find time every single day to do something I love. Get out of the house, go for a walk, read a book, take a break from the baby, paint something! It had been a while since I painted anything…
It wasn’t feasible to go out to the studio for hours and hours like I would do pre-baby. Even if I could get away for that long, I was still too nervous. I couldn’t bring myself to pick up a paintbrush! My husband gifted me an iPad and Apple Pencil for Christmas that year though, and I knew that was my way to ease back into art! I began drawing on my iPad. Sometimes for just 5 minutes, but I was doing art again. It felt so good, and helped me feel a little like me again. The studio could wait! My Etsy shop and instagram account didn’t much matter, as I knew I would get to them when I could. I had this sweet boy to take care of, and when I got to take a break from the constant feeds and rocking, those little bits in my day where I got to draw on my iPad we’re also so good.
A PRICKLY PEAR CACTUS DRAWN ON MY iPAD USING PROCREATE, ONE OF MY FIRST DIGITAL DRAWINGS.
Life is SO much better now. I finally feel more like myself, figuring out my new identity as a mama and LOVING my sweet boy. I'm also finding little places in my day to do some sort of art, mostly on my iPad. Little Guy turned ONE in November. He is happy and healthy and wonderful. Our family is okay!
I’m trying to balance the messy real life things while still enjoying the fun, maybe even sometimes cutesy things. The past year taught me it’s still okay to carve out time for the cute things every so often, simply because it brings me joy. If painting helps me feel happy, then it’s worth it. Making and selling those paintings helps give me the ability to ~ paint more ~ share my art with others ~ validates my talent ~ and puts a bunch of cute art in my home that makes me smile! That last one is so damn important.
It’s okay to make and sell art because it’s cute or pretty. That’s not being materialistic. It’s doing something that I love and that brings me joy. That's enough to make it worth doing!
